need to sleep
you see you had this lust for her
that was like an illicit drug
you knew that you two were blood
but that didn’t matter to you
people’s opinion, culture, and customs
forget about that, you love her thats that
i guess you two had a stronger bond
because biology says you two are related
just run with me through rows of speeding cars,
the paper cuts, the cheating lovers, the coffee’s never strong
The best word to define myself growing up was tomboy, characteristically I was a young boy, biologically female. Around the age of 11/12 I was pushed further away from my male friends biologically, I was beginning to feel excluded, alienated and depressed because I was being segregated physically (because of my own body) from my male friends. Being pre-pubescents nothing divided us, apart from parts that were covered with underwear which at that age didn’t matter. The definition for tomboy is on my search dictionary..
Tomboy could also be defined in many other ways I could associate with too. But no matter what I could accept at 11/12 I was biologically female, it was hardly any different from being male at that age. In saying this though, gender dysphoria for started at a very young age… I use to get so cut up when the teacher would ask for boys to move things, or boys to help her do practical tasks. This sorrow spans throughout my life for as long as I can remember.
Being aboriginal, I am apart of a culture that is so sacred and beautiful. The love for my culture is as strong as my family because quite frankly they are my family, blood or not blood we are all brothers and sisters spiritually. Our customs, our customs.. I am so caught up on this conservatism embedded into indigenous culture that has preserved itself for 40,000 years in Australia. My culture is my backbone and I am so blessed to be paid for showcasing my culture.
I suggested to my employer that I use my last name on my name badge instead of my birth name but he wouldn’t budge. For legal reasons, I used my birth name to apply for this job. Given that I couldn’t be recognised by my psych as trans due to having long hair (no joke), it has been really hard for me to start hormones now…. and in saying this passing to the greater public
In my culture there is traditionally mens business and womens business. I appreciate their significance I do but when it comes to me I feel so torn apart to be classified as woman one more time. Now that I work with other women, I have been put with them.. This digs up all the dysphoria from my past when I use to be so culturally involved and didn’t know I was trans* but now knowing my identity this is ripping me to shreds more and more.
The fact most the fullas I work with have long hair like mine…. makes me feel even more gutted to be excluded from their business because I know if I went through a different puberty I’d be there with them. Given that aboriginal culture is so conservative, where do I stand as an individual who is in between the gender sides of things.. I know there are groups for trans aboriginal people like brothaboys and sistagirls but they’re mainly made up of aboriginal drag performers.. none of them which I know in our aboriginal scene do traditional things.. I’ve got no support within the greater cultural community and feel so lost I can’t come to terms with what I am meant to do.
Aboriginal culture is very patriarchal.. Aboriginal men have a much more domineering role in aboriginal society traditionally, especially when performing culture. Nowadays, aboriginal women will stand up for themselves but there is still that stigma present of the male dominance and the patriarchy which disheartens me deeply… Growing up “female” I have experienced this the full brunt of sexism within my culture.
The only way we as aboriginal people can move forward without destructing the fundamental fabric to our culture is supporting feminism and equality within our people.. The fight is within ourselves just as much as it is trying to close the gap for our people too. We’re an amazing people but why should we go on oppressing our women and our people of trans* identities. This is merely a dream for me. But I will make dreams come true if I have to.