dreamin'

clancy boi
©

i’ll be in sydney, melbourne, canberra and adelaide very soon. let me know if any of you guys live there :)

and look here i need to get this off my chest

i think a lot of the reasons as to why i am so insecure about being in a relationship is because when i had a girlfriend in 2011 i was lied to and seduced by this other girl (we ended up sleeping with each other). we will call her the other girl for this post. 

now this other girl and i have not had any contact with each other since,  i despise her with every ounce of my existence for everything she did. she is very deceitful and has set her life goal to ruin mine. 

after my relationship in 2011, the “other girl” went out of her way to build a friendship with the girlfriend i just lost.  too add to the list, i tried having a relationship in 2012 and yet the “other girl” interfered into this relationship just like she did with my one in 2011 except this time i was on the other end.

the “other girl” and continued to collect my exes and befriended them via their dislike for me, you could almost call it a pact. actively, the other girl worked with these girls to dismantle any relationship by spreading rumours, exposing my utmost flaws, and making me out to be satan’s spawn.

last year i met this girl i really really adore and you know what, i sit here fucking hopelessly afraid of entering a relationship because of these experiences from the “other girl”

I know the “other girl” will read this because she is so obsessed with my daily life and my relationships, my depressions, my sadness. she gets off on it, she enjoys it. fuck off. 3 years of your shit, i am seriously done. 

       Anonymous

you are right in a sense, i dont deny being confident in personality and in building friendships . getting along with any old stone from the bag is my thing as you know but if i were to move into a relationship (more than friends) with them, i find that difficult - i am not good in those situations at all. like i struggle, a lot. it really gets to me and i find it really tough to move past this insecurity.

can anyone help me?

" “No one will love you until you learn to love yourself” is an easy enough phrase to believe is true. But it’s terrifying, especially when you have depression. What if you never learn? As a teenager, it made me fear for my life as an adult. I was certain I would never be capable of being in a relationship, but I was very wrong. Honestly, I do not like myself very much, and in August of 2013, a boy fell very, very much in love with me.

I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve been on and off medications, been to therapy, but it’s still alive and well, comfortable in its home in my bones. I can feel it every day, a tiny inkling that causes breathtaking emotional pain at the most inconvenient of times.

My depression doesn’t care that I am in a relationship with a boy who makes me laugh, tells me I’m beautiful 20 times a day, and cares more deeply for me than any other boy has. I am grateful for the nights he holds me while I cry for hours for no reason. I am thankful that he puts up with my random periods of irritability. He constantly attempts to comfort me if I am suddenly uncomfortable when we’re out in public. He fills me with hope for the future when I lead myself down the darkest of paths, plays with my hair when I’m having trouble sleeping, and encourages me to eat when I have no appetite. He takes care of me and I never even had to explain myself. I still consciously think to myself, nine months into this relationship, “Wow, someone is in love with me.” I often think about how lucky I am to be loved, regardless of my flaws in chemistry.

This intense love is frightening, because every day, I fear that one more thing will push him over the edge. That one more time of me rolling over in bed, teary-eyed, for no reason, could push him away. I know it upsets him, and I reassure him through my salty, blurred vision that it’s not his fault. I am often overcome with guilt and I hate that my feelings about myself cause any pain on his part. Sometimes he is not easily convinced, but I try as hard as I can with the little energy I have. Some of our nights end in a tight hug and an “I’m sorry” mumbled from my lips, but I’m just thankful that he is still happy to wake up to me every morning.

Every day is a struggle. I am constantly on edge, going back and forth between caring too much and not caring at all, wondering when he will have enough. He is quick to remind me how much he loves me, but I am just as quick to be overcome with crippling doubt. We both know that this is how forever will be, and if he hasn’t given up yet, I’m certain that he is 100% all in.

Never let anyone tell you that you are not worth being loved if you don’t love yourself. Never let anyone tell you that your mental illness is the reason why you are not in a relationship. Never let anyone tell you that you should smile more, fix your hair, or wear more color. Never let anyone makes you feel bad about what you can’t always control.

Someone will be in love with you regardless of your most comfortable state, and if that happens to be curled up on the floor of your room, crying as you listen to your favorite sad songs, then you have found true love.”


Holly Everett